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Thursday, April 28, 2016

SoulMates

I started this blog at the inception of our marriage and travels with my husband, Dustin in 2014. As with any courting stage and marriage ceremony, our union was absolutely breathtaking. We wed in the rain on April 17th, 2014 although it wasn't quite rain but more of a divine mist that coated his hair and shoulder in water droplets and allowed the white to glow and our auras to expand and project our souls for the naked eye to see. There were 3 marriage rounds and at the end of each one, we brought our hands together at heart center and bowed to one another in agreement and then bowed to those around us as witnesses of our journey together. When we kissed for the first time as husband and wife, our lips met for so long that the cheers died down and then voices cheered again, our lips still locked, hearts joined. And this is where Two Yogis One Love was born. 

I felt like we could do anything together. I felt that my dreams of wandering adventures and sustainable, off the grid, other-than-everyday living had just begun. I felt like I had been touched by the hand of God, that coursing through my veins was eternal Love and Light, that this day and this man had been created for me, for us, to change the world.

From the moment we met, Dustin brought me closer to God. It was something I felt in his stillness, in his kindness, in his heart and his love. Dustin was reared in the church and was surrounded by the positive messages of God's love and the healing powers of Jesus while I had my first experience of God when I was 27 years old. I always appreciated and respected this difference in our upbringing and felt incredibly blessed to have married a man with such deep running faith.

Dustin continues to bring me closer to God, in ways I never imagined. As our travels and life together unfolded, we experienced hardships and conflict that we were not prepared  to handle. Shakespeare said, "expectation is the root of all heartache" and yet expectation is everywhere even if you don't intend it to be: intertwined in society's idea of courting and marriage, intertwined in the roles of "husband" and "wife"... 

Dustin and I separated this past November and the last 5 months have been a painful unraveling of expectations, promises, confusion, misunderstanding and overall heartbreak for both parties, equally and for different reasons. The word divorce is so bitter on my tongue and it comes with so much confusion because marriage is hardly just a legal agreement.  Marriage is a soul contract, a merging of two people into one soul, the highest form of yoga. And as this word divorce preys upon our union like a stalking, starving Bengal Tiger, I realize that what a court can undo cannot be undone in the higher realms. And it is these thoughts that bring me the most confounded thoughts and emotions because I would not undo our soul agreement and I do not know how to pick up and move on without my other half. It could very well be that legally divorcing is the best thing for our relationship, as our relationship will not end with the dissolution of marriage. This is what it means to be a soulmate. 

I believe people think soulmates are idealistic and perfect, the person you should always be with, the person you meet and feel like you have always known. My experience with Dustin has been true in that way but has also taught me different: your soulmate is bound to your soul, they have been for many lives and will continue to be, ad infinitum. As our incarnations unfold and we live different lives to learn different lessons, your soul mate will be present in each life, helping you to learn the lessons you are there to learn and many of those lessons will be painful. It is in those painful lessons where we grow the most, it is through the ashes that we arise anew. 

I feel immense sadness and sorrow as this lesson lands the hardest of all. True to the form of Dustin bringing me closer to God, I find myself in prayer and seeking out the healing hand of Jesus to move me through these times. I find comfort in the idea that "what you seek is also seeking you". Maybe we will be able to meet the challenge of our soul's union in this life or perhaps it will have to wait for another. At this time, 2 years into our marriage and 3 1/2 years into our relationship, I feel like we have lived a lifetime together. I don't know what is to come of two yogis one love and I chose to give it to God as this is the only true place my heart can safely dwell. 

I feel sorry I let you down, Dustin even in considering divorce. I feel sorry to my friends and family who stood to witness the rise and perhaps fall of our union. Thank you all for your continuous love.  May God be with us together and apart. 








2 comments:

  1. In every marriage there are times, cloaked in discontentment...
    when people strike their sour notes of discord and resentment. It matters not how true love is, these days are bound to come...presenting tests that constitute the undoing of some.

    I wish you the best of everything and I hope that one day you may find each other again. Peace within and love to you both, Donna

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  2. Oh Nicole I am so very sorry. Thank you for being vulnerable and open. I'm praying for you friend.

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